I'm working at a public house & brewery doing mostly dish, float, and prep duties. when I'm off I mostly sleep, and when I'm not doing that I hang out with my mom and kitty cats with a few brews and foods. I am able to get a little music in when I'm not totally zapped. Picked up some protein bars and soap (cucumber & lime) at Kroger today. I need to change my oil soon. You guys ever have just normal days like this? Tell us about it if you'd like!

i do software development and surf the web and make some music and go for walks in the woods

but what do you do in real life?

Work, love, friends, family.

Ya know, Life.

trying to learn how to make beautiful audio plugins so i can sell them

...going on dog walks; cooking our own food; occasional movies

chilling in my new apartment, doing nothing but composing and livestreaming. still waiting for my new couch to arrive so i can finally invite people over here. looking forward to meet cool people next month, this is gonna be awesome

I’ve been training a lot for a half marathon, roughly averaging 70 kilometres a week for about 11 weeks which has been a bit gruelling. Hoping to get 1 hour 18 minutes on the day! Started a different job last month so I feel like a moldy noob. Also Jen and I are expecting a baby in October.

just recently completed a suuuuper huge 48 hour game jam with a friend of mine. the game was rated the #1 funnest game in the whole jam out of 5800+ entries, and 25th rated overall. we were featured in mark brown's top 20 list too! this success has spurred my friend to get serious about developing the game further for a commercial release, and invited me to do the sound design and ost. i am feelin real good right now. dreams come true people

but is this really real life? hmm

Real life... lets' see... my oldest child will soon be baptized into the cult that I escaped a couple of years ago. Until this point my family relationships have been fairly relaxed despite everyone being aware of my current stance on faith. I am not antagonistic toward anyone about it, I merely try to abstain from interacting with it as much as possible (which is often difficult because everyone else in my personal life aside from a few coworkers are members of the same cult, and they are constantly engaged with the cult's many activities) while still trying to be genuinely loving and accepting of them. My spouse is still a true believer and although she has come to terms with my current feelings, her hope will never die that I will someday "snap out of it" and return stronger than ever. So now as the day of the baptism approaches my spirit is torn anew. It's as though there are multiple versions of me past and present constantly debating in my skull about what the "right" thing to do is. The part of me that went though an existential abyss wants to put a stop to it to prevent my kids from going through the same thing or worse. The peacemaker in me wants to go along to get along, as it's going to be hard enough to look into the eyes of the few remaining friends and grandparents who don't know about my faith crisis and endure their disappointment. The firm nihilist in me wants nothing, because none of this matters, right? There are a few other versions of me mixed in there too, but those are the main trio: punished Vav, loving Vav, and nihili Vav, and the blend of these equal something akin to a suffering statue. My child has "decided" of his own free will and choice to enter the cult's membership at the wise old age of 8 years old, just as I did so many years ago. I want to support him, and I want to love him and I want him to know this in his bones so that he always has at least one degree of separation from the feelings that I'm feeling right now. I also want to be left alone and want to go back and want nothing at all. But regardless of what I want, I will stand there at the water's edge to witness my brother-in-law perform the thing as a substitute for a failed father, and I will endure the whole day of celebration afterward, and it will pass just like all of the other days have.

tl;dr i'm ok

I have worked on online college courses from dusk till dawn. Normally i try to get outside but i have not done so yet. maybe ill go on a late run? Been trying to talk to this girl as well so we'll see if that goes anywhere :)

what do you mean by real life

...ahem
so this is the year i finally start my first job, i'm currently roughly 2 months into that whole gig and i'm starting to enter the "getting tired of it" phase where the initial enthusiasm has worn off near completely. i still enjoy it, but it's not something that i entirely look forward to doing. i've been talking to my brother anthony about it more, apparently it's likely going to go into september, october, and even november if this year turns out bad. i was planning on starting either my diploma for web development or my associates in graphic design by then, so to hear this is a bit of a blow to me, but i'm thinking of a different strategem.

my family's been looking at new places to move since this place has not been particularly kind to us in the last 2 years we've lived here. previously, we lived for 15 or so years at a duplex in cudahy, but now we live in an apartment in st francis. i've been hounding them for an area in/close to bay view/walker's point, but it doesn't seem all that possible. rental rates in those neighborhoods are typically steep for 3 bed+ (what my mom has been aiming for to placate me and tony) but i'd settle for a 2 bed if it's <$1.2k/month and near bay view.

speaking of which, i've been getting more active locally thanks to the general social habilitation that you guys have been doing for me. before, i rarely went out and enjoyed myself, but now there's a few places that have really stood out in my mind that have been real pleasures to visit, to meet people in, and to generally just consume from. coffee places are basically omnipresent here (collectivo, stone creek, anodyne, fiddleheads, the city market, valentine, to name several), and each of them have been a treat and a half. lion's tooth is a very cozy yet amazingly packed alternative to amazon/barnes and noble, dream lab is my favorite cafe ever (you can get ART SUPPLIES THERE WHAT THE FUCK), and i've been in talks with rush-mor records in terms of selling the cd to my second ep once that comes out.

speaking of that, that's a thing!! i've been working towards making a second ep since 2018 and i'm finally getting towards making that a reality! i've been trying to use my free time to the best of my abilities focusing on that, and so far i've gotten 2 out of 4 tracks started and worked through at least 2/3 of the way, so i'm feeling good about that.

in terms of finding myself and my identity, that's been a bit...hectic. in case you didn't know (most likely because i didn't really shared myself in greater detail up until this year) i have been searching my gender and sexual identity for the better part of 6 years now. i have been diagnosed with attention deficient hyperactivity disorder (adhd, at age 7) and high-function autism spectrum disorder (at age 3), the former of which lead to medication until age 12 and the latter somewhat leading me towards a fucked up childhood and adolescence. i won't get into the specifics of such, but let's just say i nearly went towards the path of toxicity 5 seperate times and did some shit that people who know me now would say is not me in the slightest.

anyway, this general peace in my life since then, the one that my final semester in high school had finally fully granted me with, has left me thinking more about who i am recently. in may, i had finally settled on being genderfluid after a period of being non-binary due to not really knowing which gender i was, and this month, i've been reflecting on my sexuality and have been really questioning whether or not i was bi or pan. it has really been an interesting time for me, as for the longest time i had considered myself as just a male. i didn't really think of it in more detail other than what genitalia i had. now that i'm an adult, however, there has been many more factors to consider: the biological factor, the mental factor, genetics, identity, history, and so on and so forth! idk what else to say other than if i had met myself at ages 7, 11, god forbid 14, they would scant recognize me lmao.

and it's all of these factors that bring me back to botb. even though i don't have nearly as much time as i had to be a part of this place, i'm still at the very least trying to be as attached to this place and have it be as integral to my life as it was a full year prior. it's because of this place that i have a revitalized love for making music and art; it's because of this place that i have been enveloping myself in the milwaukee music and art scene; it's because of this place that i've been finding myself after encounting so many people of so many walks of life. i don't aim to leave it anytime soon.

tl;dr: i'm genderfluid now also i have work

ehehee, i just waked up...

i am mioh, the weirdo korean-american with no sleep schedule and no social skills. currently a adhd-brained uni student pursuing a cs degree because i cannot find a stable job (laughs at self)

in the past few years, i have lost quite a few biological family members, and got myself in a drinking-related medical situation, so it is pretty hard both mentally and financialy... add my pride ("oh, i can manage by myself, you don need to help me, i appreciate it though") to the mix and we now have a goddamn mess lol.. thankfully the government pays the big tuition dollars

i usually just play weird games and randomly compose to distract mineself, and when that does not work, i end up walking for hours on end, just a little girl in a trench coat wandering around until she reaches somewhere intresting or becomes too tired

about my addictions:
due to medical reasons i had to stop alcol entirely. maybe i tryd too immediate; for a whole day i was pained and shaking and confused, it was bad...
i wanted to quit smoking too but .. honestly i cannot, it is litrally impossible to quit something i have done since 11 x_x
we willnt talk about the cute girls. mioh has had enough of that.

speaking of cute girls, one of them in particular encourages me to learn piano!! more more everydayyyy!! i try to learn the waltzes on the piano in the main room.

...

...yar i don really have that much of a real life frankly, all my resources go into building a stupid little facade.. sometimes i wonder if i reallyd eserve to exist and experience the world...

about a year ago I leased a sizeable and cozy tutor style house on top of a mountain with two friends I've known for probably 7 years now(botbrs) to escape covid isolation and help jostle me out of a depression. other botbrs and online music friends swing down and visit us sometimes

day to day I do software engineering work for a bigdata company. been working this job for about four years now and ready to move on to something else that actually helps people(feel like I'm working for the enemy sometimes). doing software dev in the medical sector would be cool I think. planning a road trip soon that'll take me about 8000 miles around the country to visit a bunch of places in person to help me decide where to go next and what to do

bought a kayak recently, like to drag that thing to different places and paddle around. there's a river real close to the house, sometimes I like going out there before the sun rises. there are specific moments in mornings where it feels like a different world and it's kinda dreamy out on the water with no one else around. well, there is this one like, I think it's a hawk that builds this comically huge nest out on this big metal post that sticks high up out of the middle of the river at a point. I like to paddle up next to that thing and chill with the hawk as the sun rises

I also try to go camping a few days a month. it usually takes about a day to reach this point but eventually the absence of overstimulating screens and all the mental energy spent on anxieties and plans and ruminations and schedules are easier to let go and I can just Be for a while which is a very healing kinda thing. also Idk why or how but the food I make over a campfire turns out 10x better than when I do the same thing at home

living with what were once internet only friends has been exciting, fun, mundane, infuriating, humbling, enlightening, disappointing, inspiring, embarrassing, encouraging...regular life as usual stuff when it comes to living with people but it's a profound twist of expectations from bridging that gap with how you get to know someone online. it's been a learning and growing experience in so many unexpected ways.

thanks for posting, thanks for reading. op cessor is zen as f

In the middle of selling my house, buying a new house, and moving to a new city (where my wife and I have a lovely circle of friends). Still playing and teaching tons of fiddle et al., but also trying to go from square "I know nothing" to square "hired" in web development . . . it's been great being a pro musician for two decades (and I just co-founded a new music school, so I'm certainly not quitting), but I'm curious as to what life can look like if you live above the poverty line! It's a terrifying prospect given that I've been self-employed for over a decade, and I'm introvert supreme, but I reckon if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll be dissatisfied in the same old ways instead of being dissatisfied in new and exciting ways!

I miss BotB, but given that I struggle to churn out a finished track in under 8 hours, I just can't right now. Love y'all!

Well,

I just hit my 7 year anniversary with my environmental compliance company. That has been okay, COVID was very rough.
I'm about to perform (most likely) my final choir concert for the foreseeable future, and my wife will be singing with me! This is my 12th year in this choir and it's a 4th of July concert with my church. It may be livestreamed if anyone might be interested in listening in? Lemme know.
With that, I take a friend of mine in his 80's to sing as well. He has dementia and has gotten much worse over the past year, but he still remembers these songs so it is a joy to see him sing. I also help him take care of his 5 acres of land on the weekends.
I've had a lot of my elderly friends go downhill very rapidly with their health in the last few months, so I've been in a bit of a mourning pattern. Losing a lot of people who are dear family to me right now.
My wife has been dealing with injury after injury this whole year. She has really been struggling and we've been doing our best to stay positive through it all. She is a trooper and I love her.
We have two D&D games that we are in, one that I am going to be leading. That's been an amazing escape from real life recently.
We also co-lead with another friend a college/young adults ministry at my church. We play volleyball at least once a week and it's my one source of exercise currently. I'll either preach or do music for the group depending on the week.

I miss hanging out with all of you fine people. thanks for reading

TL:DR - work is fine, friends passing on and it sucks, very busy with other activities, and helping my wife heal up.

Currently trying to learn some responsible prepper skills, such as indoor gardening and proper storage of non-perishable food and medicine for future potrntial emergencies, or just formulating plans for the next issue of my minimag.

Other than that, here's quite almost normal.

school
im in active cuz of that

so apparently the people in charge of the minuscule town i live in thought it would be a good idea for us to have a tourist info centre... and then i thought it would be a good idea to work there for my fifth summer in a row. in a normal year, there's about one or two people who come in each day, invariably to use the bathroom rather than asking about our town's rich, rich history. as you can imagine, most of canada's inter-provincial borders being closed hasn't exactly helped with business either.

not that i care lol they still pay me

well, that's what i've been telling myself anyway. however, even while being paid minimum wage, sitting in an empty building for seven hours a day with nothing to do but bounce my internal narration around in my skull starts to wear thin, even for an advanced fantasizer such as myself. i can't help but wonder if i should have pursued a career that actually, y'know, interests me.

and that brings up the other issue that i have, which is that i can't really figure out what is and isn't interesting to me. i'm doing an english degree, but when i told my grandfather that he said that all i can really hope for is to get a job as a "mayo holder" (the guy who holds the mayo). and he's an english professor. overall, though, i'm trying to get out of this "what should i do" mentality, because really, there's no reason to think that there's something i "should" do. ideally, something will show up to make things more interesting, and if not, i will presumably have not done anything to make other people's lives worse. that's a win in my book, babee

so anywho, in my real life i'm just chillin', basically. maxin', relaxin', and all that jazz. and if you think about it, that's kind of freaking epic.

i'm finally leaving the college town i've been trapped in for the past 4 years and moving back in with my mom. i tell myself that its just cause its cheaper, but i really do hate this town

ive cooled down a lot since i came here, living alone has taught me a lot about who i am and what i should expect out of the world around me. if anything im less ashamed of who i was and more proud of the person im becoming. its still along way to go, though.

prospects for the future are slim, but i dont really have a reason to give up hope yet. im healthy, i have people who love me, and im confident in my abilities. learning the skills i need to become middle class and be able to support my mom as she gets older will be the deciding factor in the coming years.

also could someone front me some cash for a car

i mowed today. also im getting married in a couple of weeks

work and then listen to my friends' music and chat with them and tell them their music is nice

too much work but I need more work because everything is so expensive right now.

finishing shitterhand 2.0

Hoo boy this'll be a long one:

At the end of 2018 my life took a drastic turn and my mom suddenly passed away out of nowhere. It hit me like a truck. Before this happened I had finally started thinking about moving out on my own but was depressed because with my disability (Mild Cerebral Palsy) I wasn't sure how I would do it or if it was possible for me.

So not to be that guy, but this is what happened. I was in my house at night grieving by myself not knowing what to do so I prayed about it and asked for help. 3 days later I got a call saying an apartment was available here at this place for seniors and disabled people (myself being the later) Make of that what you will :).

So now I had a place to sort my grief out in solitude. For a few months I was able to dodge it by working on and posting a Dragon Ball What if fan fiction on youtube but fate wouldn't let me run forever and my old computer died forcing me to be gifted my mom's old laptop which of course has pictures of our family together when she was still alive and I found them and then that opened the flood gates and I spent the rest of 2019 slowly healing.

2020 happens, I start to feel better. I'm bummed about the Pandemic but at least I live alone and can mostly keep to myself. I decide maybe it's time I get back into chip music again. Wouldn't you know it that was the time where both cheapbeats (The Record Label I was on) AND Chipwin. My main place for posting music and getting feedback gets yeeted into oblivion by an angry internet mob and because I'd basically been out of the loop for a year for personal reasons I had NO idea what was going on.

Long story short I was shocked that not only was chipwin gone, but also the place that hosted my albums was closing it's doors. I wasn't able to get them in time but thankfully friends came to the rescue and now I have them. It made me realize that while corners of the internet might be gone, the friendships I've made and the spirit of enjoying chip music is still very much alive.

It touched my heart and I wanted to get back out there and make music again, but there was one final thing that needed to be done.

To make a long story short 90 percent of the people I meet online are awesome and I don't regret meeting a single one of them. However, everyone runs into that one friend that's just too broken and too much for you to handle when you're trying to recover from your own pain and then you have an unhinged negative person burdening you with their woes on top of it. I took it on, it was my fault but I now realize I shouldn't have and was not qualified to handle that in the least lol

You spend hours talking to this person, listening to their rambling voice messages, trying to make sense of them and offer words of comfort and encouragement. Only for all your time spent to be of little consequence because of the many vices this person has and his refusal to take proper medication which results in his already unstable state and world view becoming exponentially worse.

For a while, I accepted this and just took the route of avoiding him when he was in one of his moods rather than confrontation but that all changed the day he decided to try and talk bad about mutual friends and tried to get me to choose what side I wanted to take.

The people he badmouthed said I could still choose to be friends with him and it wouldn't affect our relationship but they blocked him, while he insisted I choose him over them and that was it. I had enough and had no choice but to block him. Looking back, I don't regret it.

Call this a coincidence if you want, I'm not sure myself but it was not long after I got rid of him it literally felt like a load was lifted and lo and behold Paprium (The Sega Genesis game Groovemaster303 and I worked on YEARS ago actually came out at the end of 2020)

It felt like getting rid of that guy allowed good things to start happening again and now even when bad stuff happens I feel the love and support I have in my life to help me deal with it and I'm able to take it in and absorb it so that I can manage because I no longer have his burden to bare :).

Because of my work on Paprium more possible opportunities for me to compose game soundtracks or be a sound FX guy are opening up and while I can't talk about them in detail yet it is exciting to be productive again. Those things might be a ways off yet, but in the mean time you can look forward to me being a part of a Sega Genesis Cart album called YM2020 in the near future :).

Not only that but I recently randomly started getting comments on my youtube videos which had almost no activity for over a year and it made me think maybe it's time to get back into my Dragon Ball story again.

I was unsure about getting the Covid shots, but my brother got them and he has similar genetics to me so I figure if he's okay that's as close as I am going to get to a confirmation of whether something is safe or not and I want to get back out there and hang with my friends and family more again so...screw it I'll roll the dice lol

Getting feedback on my latest things I threw into Spring Tracks put a big goofy grin on my face and is yet another reason to smile again.

One final good thing that may happen is that I recently got approved for rent assistance so if all goes well, soon I'll be paying much less to live here which will make me being able to have a bit more fun with my meager income a reality.

So yes, it has been a rough couple of years for me as I am sure it has been for many of you and my heart goes out to you all but...I think I can say with cautious optimism that I'm back and boy does it feel good :).

My deep condolences to you Jredd, and sympathy for those having a rough or really rough time.

A lot of personal developments over here, can say it's mostly all been positive, though it has taken quiet a chunk of my time.

I'm sounding, and probably am a little reserved, but I'm actually doing very well in general. There's a lot of projects I want to return to, including some album work, both old and new, and obviously am getting XHB withdrawal symptoms, meaning I should really start joining them again soon. I find that committing to a lot of projects has made me get into a mindset of *I never have time to enter xhbs because there are more prominent projects I should attend to*, and because that's making me procrastinate a lot, I want to shake it.

Besides that, just planning for the pigdcalypse. May ye pigeons rule again.

typically my cs/electronics courses take up a lot of my time but my semester finished a month back or so and i have the summer break now. studying and doing all that work from home had some upsides but also was kinda awful. my poor approach to work and lack of understanding then did result in maybe a bit too much anxiety heh. though i think there's definitely some good things to take away from it and i feel like i've improved in my approach now.

now i have lots of free time, which i'm not used to and spending too much time inside with no internships/work/whatever. probably aren't doing as much now as i probably first expected but hey, working on projects and stuff a little bit at a time. not a whole lot going on or much to look forward to but maybe i should just enjoy the downtime while it lasts...

also remember, grades aren't everything. they are a sham! you matter, never forget to take care of yourself!

I recently left my relationship, because I felt as though I was helping my partner grow and they weren't doing the same for me. Their mom's boyfriend at the time had also assaulted me because he was constantly coming over without permission, destroying our appliances and utensils, generally being disrespectful, and I told him I didn't want him at the house, so he punched me. I moved back with my mom and I think I'm depressed. Struggling to find out job. Creatively spent, not working on anything. Just tired.

I have just completed the first half from a two-year master's degree: Public Administration and Public Policies. Being a nutritionist, that may sound weird, but I aim to work making health and nutrition public policies. What is kinda weird, tho, is that such things have barely anything to do with music or chiptune, which I love.

That master's degree took away half of my time, which made me quit music for almost six months. The other half of my time is spent doing weight training. I've been working out for 14 years, so that part of my life is not subject to change.

That said, I'm having the Summer break right now, fortunately. That MAY allow me to pull off a tune or two for SC XI.

eating pizza, gaming, browsing anime chix, trying to get developers and IT to fuck things up a little less and to work more efficiently

other than that just enduring nasty vaccine side effects

hmmmmmmmmb. ive read a few of these in depth but i also feel like this would be a good spot to actually analyze what the hell im feeling?

i recently got my first job, im still on my first week with real customers (i work at a new dennys LKJSDHGKJSHDG) but im actually enjoying it so far. i think a lot of that is that i actually get to be nicole for this job - at home my parents arent supportive and im kind of left being a double agent. its not like im not used to it though! i always snuck shit to school, its just a different location now. but yeah, even though the work itself is pretty draining for me im completely ready to keep at it so i can move out and finally start hormones

^ and on this note ^ i end up rambling about my own clusterfuck of a mental state. i keep worrying about what might be if i cant start fast enough and it keeps looping over and over again and its even delved into existential crisis a few times <3 at the same time though im kind of glad i had it happen to me? it made me think a lot about who i am and what i want to accept of myself more often. i know i have the Big Three with depression anxiety adhd but i realize i want to investigate who the hell i am more. i know i have autism and ocd which explain a lot of things, but i end up realizing i dont like bringing it up just because of how my parents handled it.

theres a few other things im kind of wondering if i have - dyspraxia, just because a lot of symptoms are way too specific to me and it makes sense when i bring it up to friends,,,and possibly some degree of disassociation? the latter is a lot more uncertain for me, i know ive had my times where i feel like im an actress and im just watching a movie of whoever the hell im playing, and those times can last a while, but i also understand that thats me? im able to recognize myself and have that sense of self but then i end up looking at photos of me and i dont even know sometimes, esp with ones where im presenting female cause i guess its just so surreal that im like wait fuck thats me?? and theres certain photos of myself that i guess ive looked at so much that ive completely detached myself from them and i circle all the way around to 'oh wait she looks nice' but then i cant admit that about myself what the FUCK

and i only ended up thinking more seriously about the latter because one of my irl friends opened up about having it. i know from my time running a vent server on discord i knew about the disorder but i just. never wanted to actually analyze myself. and seeing her talk about it and have so many things match me makes me feel weird. im so used to being the one who teaches everyone about themselves and helps them accept themselves, not vice versa. its not a bad thing, im just not used to it. and i feel awkward bringing it up to her. i feel like i need to give it more thought or take tests or something

also holy shit this is long feel free not to read this
i just needed a place to spill what the hell is on my mind

one more here with adhd! :)

What’s a real life *bleep* .. I’m an online entity

I can't leave the house due to really strong agoraphobia and panic disorder.

dropped out of uni a year ago
got an average 9 to 5
hopin to save up some cash and pick up IT studies in some time

This is as real as anything can be, don't sell yourself short.

I'm married with two children and work as a customer service agent representing several online retailers. Although this usually means I'm a telephone operator, there are several other tasks I perform that are a bit beyond the scope of explaining here.

Damn I was not expecting this response... It was really cool peeling into your real lives and learning about who you all are as real human beans. I haven't got to to many, but if I liked your post then I read it.

UPDATE: I was prescribed Zoloft for anxiety, a mood stabilizer for paranoia (which I don't actually take), and Naltrexone for alcohol addiction (which I also don't take). The paranoid feelings went away with my anxiety, and I still like drinking beer so fuck all that. Zoloft seems to be making a difference, and I feel happier over all, but it is just the beginning so we will see how that goes...

I should really check my oil as it's probably low...

I decided to reduce my hours at work from 4 days a week to 3 so I can focus more on what I love and also my overall well being. My paycheck is going to take a hit but so be it. I think happiness is worth more than dollar signs, and as long as I can pay rent then I'm okay.

Been spending time outside while I still can. Listening to music I like, and showing it to coworkers who think it's really weird lol. Buying shirts from Goodwill idk. bye.

Today I uh decided to cut open two rolls of bread before checking in the fridge or pantry. I was hoping to have some ham and cheese, maybe a little tomato idk. But then when I finally did look in the fridge I realised that there wasn't any ham nor any cheese, so I thought to myself, "well that's ok because I can just have like a peanut butter and jam roll or something". what I didn't know is that there wasn't any jam either and the only peanut butter left was the 2000 year old 100% oil peanut butter and I wasn't gonna open that today. So I'm left here with two open rolls on a plate and nothing to put in them, and so I just put it in the plate with the rolls in the fridge for myself to deal with later.

I am learning how to fly off my years long depressive state. Started swimming, approaching women, dancing and got a job animating characters for a television series in korea.
Right now I'm on my free day so I will make some silly animation to keep myself entertained and creating. I also plan to finish off my comic this year and hopefully I can get it printed.

I am learning how to talk to people so they don't get scared or off by how I present myself and to love and care about my family and friends. I am also learning how to feel at ease with myself.
I have a cat whom sometimes bothers me a lot but he's a sweetie.

a breakup

i work construction, im self employed. i do mostly custom woodwork. trying to find more time 4 music and watching horror movies.

sorry, there was actually a long sad story, but i felt too ashamed for sharing it

@mechika these videos helped me to see some light in the end of the tunnel some years ago, hopefully might help you as well: http://nitrofurano.altervista.org/rbe/videos/

thank you @nitrofurano !
fun fact I used to be an activist in my community, even started a non profit 3 years ago with friends haha (I'm mostly passive now, but lowkey do things when asked)

figured i might elaborate a bit more since there was more upsides that have happened in the last time (roughly 2-3 years)

so first of all, speedruns. im deep into this shit (i dare to say im a well known figure in the polish community) and ive been one of the orgas of the first (and only) speedrunning event in poland. nowadays i dont do it as often as i had previously (mostly due to burnout + 9-to-5), but i still hang out and sometimes whip out a time. it aint too common however as most games i ran are 3h+

second of all, demoscene huh? i stopped regularly participating in the Musical Shitposting Circlejerk™ but it doesnt mean ive dropped chiptuning as a whole, nonono. 2019 was the year when i really started going out places (anime conventions, demoparties etc) and I did my best to get the word out about the shit that I make (not just chiptunes, but also prods made by AYCE - the demoscene group which I cocreated to make a botb invitro, but we stuck together since then). sides that, Ive also been joined into Joker (a Speccy group) and while I havent contributed to a prod there yet, I'm well on my way on doing so :D Oh and released a speccy prod with a good friend of mine some time ago (loni's happy party, anyone heard bout that?)
oyea I mentioned anime conventions, I held one chiptune panel in 2019 and played a short set (sadly it was a 1 person deal cuz the room doubled as a sleeproom but oh well)

havent been to a demoparty abroad yet (the closest i got was forever 2019 in slovakia but uni got in the way and i couldnt go), for now ive been only to sillyventure, xenium and lost party (the last one happens in 2 days btw, still gotta write a tune SHITTTTT)

also Ive managed to get semi-consistent at doing something. anyone heard of BMS? or beatmania IIDX? yea I play that. started playing seriously in 2020 (bought a PS2 controller from one of the top 7k players in poland), got up to 8th Dan with it in a year, then wasted half a year on trying to build my own arcade style con (i'm horrible at handcrafting), caved in and bought a pre-made one in may, recently I passed 9th Dan in IIDX (am Normal 8th in BMS) and there's no sign of stopping!

and about uni. i picked up nursery back in 2017 but the big C dropped and studying for home didnt really sit with me well, resulting in me dropping out. was a learning experience if anything.

so whats the plan for now? hopefully go more places, pick up IT in some time, and maybe move out of that shithole that is my city? (not hoping for abroad just yet)

im a neet thats being activated

I've become so engrossed in my work that a description of my real life is now just a description of my botb profile

@Jredd - Condolences on the loss of your mom. I lost my dad when I was 14. My mom is hanging on but she is in that stage where there isn't much time left.

on a side note, been enjoying your chiptune work for a lot of years. Wishing you much happiness. Everyone else in this thread as well.

[ehh redacted, sorry. feel like I got a little too personal]

In short, just trying to work towards supporting myself.

I'm broken beyond repair but music keeps me sane

@razerek be personal as that is the whole point of this thread. Many others have, including myself, so tell us what is on your mind. Glad you are working on yourself. We can all do a little of that.

@cessor

Sorry, I just had second thoughts and I felt like I was sharing more than I was personally comfortable with. In brief, I talked about how a house fire turned my life upside down a couple years ago, and how it's hard to break bad habits and readjust after being essentially responsibility-free for two years. I'm really trying to find some kind of stable income so I can do the things that I want to do.

I quit opiates 2 months ago after letting them slowly take over my entire life for 4 years and now I dunno what the fuck I'm doing lol. I desperately need to get out of my current living arrangement but I make no damn money. As grim as that all sounds I'm pretty happy, not satisfied by any means but it's definitely been worse than this. I can make my little songs and play my little games on the computer and I sleep indoors. If I have any sort of goal right now it's to get some kind of gig I can actually live on, get the hell out of the American midwest forever, get a dinky little studio apartment all to myself, and get me a pet pigeon or two to eat seeds and make weird little noises with

I've been very reserved with my personal life out in the public, but I feel like this would be a good opportunity to discuss some major events that have happened to me.

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer back in September 2020, it hurt even more knowing that he had so much he wanted to accomplish in life. He'd tell me about all the things he wanted to learn or invest in but he was trapped in this mindset of having no time to do anything. He wasn't a perfect dad, he was a human being with flaws just like the rest of us, but ultimately I'm grateful to him for making so many sacrifices to raise me and my brother.

College wasn't working out at all, I had no career plan in mind and didn't even know what type of degree I wanted, I only went because I had been led to believe it was the only way I'd be able to make something of myself. I figured I'd take the STEM path, but the passion simply wasn't there. I couldn't keep up with online classes at the beginning of the pandemic, and my dad's death made things even worse. 2020 may have been the year where my depression hit the hardest.

So I've decided to do something bold: quit college and dedicate everything I have to creating video games, which has been my oldest ambition since elementary school. It's the one career that I can think so positively about that it legitimately gets me excited to study more drawing/programming/designing/etc. from just thinking about my end goals. With all the time I spent growing up sinking hours of time into level editors and playing building games like Roblox and Minecraft, creating experiences for others has been a recurring motif in my life. I believe in this dream so blindly that I'm going to risk any promise of a stable future for it. I have a whole world and story in particular that I want to share with the world, and hopefully it'll be something that can outlive me on this world.

Wish me luck, n00bs.

Galgox, you are who I most admire; I constantly find my heart beat rate augmenting, seeing you going furher *there*, improving, and achieving more, in a wide gamma of scopes; the post you wrote on Battle of the Bits, itself, displays to me you have attained very big achievements, since I first got to know about you, over three years ago: I feel you extremely successful, by visualising you, aware of your writtings in. I am with you, regardless of the path you take.

You are immortal: You have taught me much by exposing myself at you, as you are. It is thanks to inspiration from seeing you, as I perceive, valiantly expressing yourself, that I slowly began to flourish parts of me I otherwise felt repressed, hided, and apparent as it didn't exist: Witnessing your and wisdom, and being influenced by you, I got from feeling extremely shameful about my own, to feel pride for, and feel pleasure from being called by born name.

*I inhale deeply, hold my breath with my chest lifted, and gradually exhale*

Now that I am writting here, I thought to share here about that this is the best period of my life: My body has fully recovered from dental and environmental once opposing factors to my physical health, thanks to remembering always keeping a courageous mindset in front of everything, confident about that I can overcome it all. My mind and heart is full of all I want the most; sights of mountains, flora, and sea waves; aroma of herbs and otherwise leaves; moonlight often lighting clouds at night, stars in the sky and mistery about; I can listen at music: I can watch animated media! There are so many series and movies I wish to watch at since a kid, now I comfortably can via Internet. I am into projects I want; books that can aid me improve my skills and otherwise. I am enjoying a path to craft what I have memories of myself enjoying, and I desire experiencing! There is also already so much food for me to enjoy to watch at!

I feel at peace. Thank you for making a nice environment, I am enjoying right now!

I exist.

Right now I'm working my ass off at a job that I sort of hate and love, it's not a dream job or anything, but I have nice collegues.

Problem is that work mostly night shifts and it's really hard to find a balance between working night shifts and make music. Might actually quit in the end, since music is that important to me, like there's no point in working if you're not enjoying life and barely have any free time.

I'll see, musically though I have a ton to be happy about, I have improved a lot, I'm on a level I thought I never could reach.

Obviously I still have a ton I need to learn :)

Yuzu Here.
I do things that I am taking care of in my free time. There are numerous reasons that I am working or in my spare time.
Except with my mother

1. Pick up my bed
2. Clean the room, tables and more cleanings
3. Go to a store
4. Wash the dishes
5. Make lunch and heat food
6. Make a Ramen
7. Watching YouTube, Twitch or other videos
8. Carry the garbage
9. Take a bath
10. Go to a party
11. Watching television
12. Using my computer
13. sweep my room

I had to need a break right now, What happens is I need to be able to work but I lost my motivation to make music. The bad thing was that my hard drive will lose my personal data and I cannot continue my career.
I think I'm in a place up there, I'm really not very good at this in my department.

love how ramen is separate from lunch+food

half of my real life is sitting immobile daydreaming

I've been REALLY testing my discipline lately!!! no nailbiting (lifelong habit), drawing every day (habit I've failed to attain my whole life), very limited sex stuff, back on diet + exercise

trying to prove i'm not dumb to my family and peers

Today I became a 40 years old graduate student.

Trying to exist amid an eternal storm of conflicting emotions of hope and hopelessness

from my humble experience, i think that transforming hopelessness into hope isn't impossible

hard to summarize a day, week, or month here -- everything moves!

rained today. overcast, and it's now night. 80s (F)? 70s? feels great. fiancee brought the cactus plants in, we did laundry. made chocolate waffles. bought tons of chocolate at Trader Joe's. melted the 72% bars down. rich batch! richer choc than the bag of chunks from Fry's. waffle iron's grease logged. may go less oil next time.

one huge push to learn coding and more music. factory work was good, call center mb less. the solo night shifts at the factory where I just ran a huge bag-maker machine thru the night were cool. no drama, just cash and workout. my stats ruled and I ran the best shifts. also the dude who put the phone on the plexiglass counter up top and he played Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and, this other one, Psycho Pass? ruled! day shift was okay. we got more done and had a better time when I ran night shift.

car's been good to me. built like a tank. wiring's probs got a short. I unplug the batt when I park. power steering's shot, just how I like. don't want it "fixed"; power steering fluid's always barfed on the alternator anyways, and I want to feel what the car feels when I pull the turn. hard to carjack. fixed the AC a while back bc my fiancee likes AC. I'm in the desert and I love the windows and sun roof open!

going over FM horns in BambooTracker. daisy-chaining the same multiplier's sine. oscilloscope looks like double-sided alligator teeth. I see an FM saw-wave whose middles are flattened and tops are spiked up. sounds closer to a trumpet than I'd ever thought I'd get. Rocket Knight Adventures level intro is still my gold standard -- what I got atm works for me!

easy food day tonight. spiced a RedBaron pizza and added pepperoni and banana peppers. movie night's coming up! we put a tiny platform over the head of the bed and set a projector to hit the wall in front of the bed. big flat LiON batt underneath helps the projector run longer. put VLC on the firmware! runs slow, still rules. takes memory cards. a few towels left to fold and shirts to hang. dishes drying. shook dishes after the wash and toweled off any water pools in the dishware concaves to save time later. just brought the pizza from oven to cooling rack! cats gonna hop on the bed and rest with us in a few hrs, meow meow

(edit: changed "brake fluid" to "power steering fluid" irt what autos dump on their alternators ime)

I'm acting in an independent black comedy film about a couple of wandering brothers during the time of the Black Plague in Europe. It's the first time I've acted in a while and I'm really having a good time.

I'm hosting a Twitch stream for the company I work for, the DigiPen Institute of Technology, on Fridays at 3 Pacific, called The DigiPen Show.

I also run my own Twitch stream on Thursday nights at 8, where I read literature to my audience. It started out with just Tolkien, but I'm about to finish The Return of the King, so I'm probably going to move on to something new soon.

Besides all that, I have a game engine I started writing in TypeScript using the p5.js framework, but I'm kind of slowing down on progress there, and I hope to pick it up again in a couple months or so.

@Modus_Ponens so we might use your engine in an html5 battle soon here? cool! :)

I dunno about soon, but sure! I would be perfectly happy to allow that, if it ends up actually being good. Edited to add that it will almost certainly not be very good. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Music composition degree at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music. Pretty awesome.

I ate a banana today and it was tasty

@Minerscale I'm just now submitting my composition portfolio for the same degree :)

---

Hey Biruhan, you're not alone.. Even if you don't participate, the feeling of a community can still help.. I mostly just enter majors and even that makes me feel a part of this place.. I guess I would still do so, even if I just voted or listened to stuff.

hope you'll pull through and get things figured out ;-)

big mood biru, i wholeheartedly hope you persevere :c

also reading everyone's posts in this thread makes me feel a bit better, cheers

<3

@Biruhan just read all B.F. Skinner books you can, you'll love reading them for sure!

Great thread! I haven't really been active in this community for 4 years, so posting this is a bit odd.. But because BotB has been so important to me, here we go :)

I distinctly remember people like Quirby64, MiDoRi, Tobikomi, Th4 D34d, mk7, sincx, and many others to be very supportive pals here!

I am currently finishing my first internship as a designer in a watch company, and finishing my engineering studies.
I still dream of making a career in music though. Next month, I'll have a pro orchestra performing my compositions, which I'm so excited about hehe. I also play spanish guitar in a band where I compose, which is a privilege!

Also I think my music has improved miles since 2017, can't wait to show you guys :). Let's say I moved to less "digital" musical styles, but I'm positive I'll return one day to make some proper chiptune bangers :P

Love to you all, and good luck with your endeavours!

@Biruhan Don't loose hope! Things will get better eventually but I hope that it will be sooner for you! It really must be a rough time for you... From experience, I can say chatting or hanging out with friends can be a very good "distraction" that will keep you occupied from bad thoughts most of the time and I can very much relate to things like that impeding creativity or motivation but it'll come back! Feel hugged and if you ever want to chat, even just casually, do feel free to hit me up on Discord. :>

I work in a kitchen now i make sandwiches and salads

working in a kitchen is an excellent experience i could humbly recommend to almost everyone (even when we think we don't enjoy or don't need that - in my case i was curious and some cousins had a restaurant, so i thought why not...), we can learn a lot from there - for example, i heard somewhere that Neville Brody has a kitchen in his studio, and that he use to cook as frequently as he designs, so cooking can be a relevant part of the creative process

(i don't know if we can share videos like this in this thread, maybe it fits perfectly in the context of some comments here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBkFeA2pOQY )

i found a necroposting thread and besides fascinating insights on defecation related subjects (always welcome!), i assume it's ok to revive old shit... erm... discussions. if i'm wrong, just wipe... erm... delete this post :)

what about this one? i couldn't find any newer threads dealing with BotBrs as human beings. moreover, i admit that i love reading this kind of stuff, i find it related to artistic activity - its unique varieties such as chiptuning in particular. (somehow, profile desciptions don't seem to be intended for that ;))

tl;dr - i'm curious who the participants here are EXCEPT being participants here.

ps. to please one n00b is to please the world (of n00bz) :*

I enjoy my life, from an awkward school student to fabulous uni student

I am tired of being bullied from elementary to high school because some teachers and friends are assholes. But now I am in the 3rd semester! I make some friends in uni; they are keen.

PS: I study English literature, btw
PPS: Another high school alumni gathering, I would be cooked and preparing for mental.

oh wow i forgot about this thread. wow. memories
a seagull tried to steal a pastry off me yesterday. i won

also;
coming up to 5 yrs married
daughters are 2 and nearly 4 yrs old and take up most of my time, no complaints
work is same old, no complaints
music is getting rustier as time goes on
running kind of happens once a week atm
ufo50 is good
i still drum for church
still in hastings
reading happens sometimes but thats a whole nother thread

Sharing stuff makes me miss following people's cohost blogs.

Family life is good, and comes with its own set of challenges. Nobody tells you that actually won't have any idea what the hell you're doing with parenting. We're all stumbling our way through and reckoning with ourselves in the process! Constant adventure but, man, there are some moments that make it worth it. We've got a range of kids with extremely different personalities, and it's exhausting but also amazing to be around.

Kids are in a summer camp theater program this week. One kid is doing band this year and is picking up the clarinet which was also what I played back in the day.

Took my teen daughter to an AJR concert with a bunch of her friends. Not my jam, but it was a blast watching the kids let loose and sing themselves hoarse. The band was funny and entertaining. Madilyn Mei and Cavetown were openers and it was cool to hear them live.

Work is goin'.

Been trying to come to terms with my relationship with my own dad. No idea how to make steps forward there, and not sure if I want to, either. I think about it a lot, either way, and he won't be around forever. Puzzle that seems unsolvable

Since I finally got a record player, I've been slowly collecting a few favorites on vinyl. Managed to grab one of the last signed copies of a limited run from one of my all-time favorite bands and had a cool email exchange with one of the band members during the process. Found I had more in common with them than I realized.

Camping again next week in the Uintas, pumped for this!

DnD campaign is slow going, but good. I am playing a Nightcrawler-inspired Monk character that teleports in and out of battle. My favorite character I have played. 'bout to kick some monster ass in a labyrinthine cave hidden beneath an inn housed in a massive tree

Making peace with my past self and with the aftermath of losing a lot of people during the several years process of getting shit out in the open and departing from a religion that I personally couldn't hold to or make sense of anymore. After effects still kinda suck at times, admittedly, but a lot of growth came from it too. Cool to have people in my corner that understand how big a deal this was for me to go through, can be challenging to explain. My wife is a goddamn superhero

As kids have grown more and are slowly becoming more independent my wife and I have been enjoying more time to just hang out with each other. Sitting and chatting over coffee or just watching a doc together in the evening are the best parts of the day. Right now we're enjoying some Ken Burns films \o/

I haven't had as much time for botb participation the last year, but am looking forward to some side projects I have underway, including a collaborative effort that I think is gonna be cool.

Much love to my favorite and really only web community

I teach math at a university. Last term, I tried running my classes with an alternative grading system known as "standards-based grading", in which students have several chances to retry problems related to a topic and get full credit for it. This worked pretty well, and the students seemed to appreciate it, but it was also a ton of work to set up, and I burnt myself out somewhat.

Right now it's the summer break, so my life is a lot calmer. But I'm on a committee working on revising and standardizing lesson plans for one of our introductory classes.

For various reasons, I've been playing a lot more board games recently, which I'm very happy about.

I've been toying with the idea of switching my main operating system over to Linux Mint after a friend raved about how easy it was for him. While testing out various programs and games to see how well they work, I opened up Disco Elysium and then remembered how much I love that game, so now I'm playing it for the third time.

I cooked fried rice with cabbage and mushrooms over the weekend, but I made too much, so that's been about 50% of my meals for the last few days.

I'm gonna move back to my hometown soon, after having lived in another bigger city for the last five years. The first years there have been great, but it went out of rail somewhere along the last two years with health issues and I got tired and lost my webdev job as well. The city has also changed I long for a less stressful environment.

Rediscovery of BotB made this year a whole lot better so far. Been learning some more game development, along with realizing most of my ideas are not easily feasible to do on my own, at least with my current skillset. I still struggle with accepting simplicity in nearly all of my creative endeavours.
Currently also working on a release containing some music I made since November 2023. It's mostly peaceful and weird ambient with a longcat break-heavy tune in the middle, but I struggle to achieve 100% satisfaction so I can finally release it.

It's also been ages since I played a RPG so I recently started Expedition 33 Clair Obscure

in mid-2021 when this thread was posted I had just foolishly moved back to my small hometown, which I have never been a big fan of, from the US's second-largest city, which I was a big fan of. almost a year ago now, I corrected that mistake and live on the west coast again, which I remain thrilled about. I love it here in Portland, it feels like home.

I moved to a place with a little backyard, so for the first time I'm getting to go deeper into gardening. I planted some little flowering shrubs, a couple berry bushes, a fruit tree, a tea plant, herbs, and some vegetables... most of which are doing well (I might have to try again on the berries).

I'm still writing a lot of music and loving that, sometimes for money and sometimes not, but the amount of money is still not enough and, with that among several reasons, I've been thinking I need to get involved in other tangential pursuits, especially local ones. I guess I feel like I'm at a transition point, but the first angles of attack are clear so I think it'll be a good process. I feel it'll be healthy to spend less time and effort online.

I live very near a couple close longtime friends now and we go out and do stuff on the weekends a lot, or have each other over for food/board games/etc. there always seems to be a lot to do here, especially in the non-rainy months. I started hosting an occasional board game day for all the people I know here - several botbrs have come by for that!

I don't play a lot of new games these days, although stuff like Expedition 33 does sit in the back of my brain as a "thing to do eventually". most of my gaming time the last couple years has been spent on free online-playable clones of games I've loved forever: Advance Wars by Web

and Panel Attack

.

I guess I just keep living, that's all

Prepping for concerts and festivals. I work with Chipspace at MAGFest (BTW entries still open - reach out to chipspace@magfest.org if you have questions) and Boston Bitdown. Also work with local concerts in Philly taking photos. I normally shoot indie pro wrestling as well but my main shop closed down in March so I've been hustling to get booked to photograph other shows and got two in August, one in September. Otherwise just being a good work from home wife and making sure my spouse gets a good lunch to take to work and then make a nice dinner when they get home and help raise our rabbits.

as the person who started the thread that revived this thread... while my appreciation for the reasons forums ban necroposting has expanded, i still enjoy watching the dark art be practiced by n00bz.

On my end? There isn't much to say. I don't really have independence right now, being a Basement Dwelling Degenerate (sorry... as of patch v1.0.3) Freak that hasn't been able to get a job and is on summer break with no current plans to return to classes, due to finishing my music production certificate and having the realization that not only that I was mostly satisfied in terms of education, but that it isn't necessarily something I'd do beyond a hobby, aside from potentially being a mastering engineer. So I'm really trying to figure out my next step. I don't know what that will look like. Hopefully, it looks like a concept I hear referred to as "wage". Whatever that means.

I got a new dev job 5 months ago after being unemployed for 2 years and I'm moving out of my mom's place in 3 weeks. I recently did 225 lb bench press for the first time, soon I hope to do 405 deadlift and 315 squat. I've been doing a lot of partner dancing ever since I mostly dropped making computer music as a hobby back in late 2022. someday i hope to eventually like myself as a person (impossible) and maybe have a girlfriend (even more impossible)

ME AND RORY ARE GETTING MARRIED
ON SATURDAAAAAAAAAY

Roz you can’t be latist to this one

i'm going to be honest, things right now are very very difficult. i don't normally like to post about these things publicly but... well, here goes, i suppose. i might edit this into nothing at a later point, in which case, sorry. i'm not good with sharing sensitive stuff like this online.

at the moment i'm looking to leave my current job. a big reason for this is just due to a very unfortunate incident (our big boss passed away very suddenly, a very kind man who i considered part of my family) and the lack of any support from any of the higher ups (constantly being on my case for underperformance but suddenly being absent when i need help) and i've had enough frankly. the other problem though is that the job market is absolute shite at the moment so i am having a very hard time finding anything else.

i'm still trying to find my balance when it comes to trying to thrive without an important man in my life and also trying to get through a burnout (partly imposed by work too because i'm so exhausted daily). i have considered getting driving lessons and will go for it if i can find something else either closer to me or go part time or something. i also considered going back to uni and restart because i dropped out, just my location atm is just terrible i guess. i know things will work out eventually but i'm at a pretty low low atm.

it's funny... on the night i met up with the botb folks on july 13th, i got a message that he went to the hospital. i wanted to thank him that he let me off work a bit earlier to make it there - and that's the last time i saw him. i visited his family at the hospital he was interned him, and although i was barely anyone worth knowing comparatively speaking, they welcomed me with such warmth and with open arms and we had so many conversations about him, and not long ago we celebrated his ninth night from passing away, so many people showed up. man's touched a lot of hearts. the bit where we guided his soul out of their childhood house and into heaven was one of the hardest things i've experienced and i'm not someone religious.

he was one of the few irl folks who not only have i shared my music with but he would ask me about it.

apart from this, i guess i've been just taking things easy. i've recently seen the new superman movie on a whim after one of my mates just decided we should go see it on the same day and it was an enjoyable time (as someone who doesn't really go to the cinema or watch movies much anyway), we're planning to see the new fantastic four (i don't know what these are apart from more super hero stuff i guess, but hey, i enjoyed superman, maybe it'll be the same here). i have been playing some games, started metroid prime (remastered on switch) and more recently gotten back into Terraria. i've not actually made any music for probably a month now...

i also recently got a macbook air on the 2nd hand market and that thing bangs so hard, it's a m1 2020 model but that thing has not been charged for like 2 days now, and it still has like 70% battery. not active use but my previous windows laptop would not have a battery span longer than 2 hours from fully charged and that thing was new. i really am enjoying it and would recommend it if you can find it for a good price (but specifically, if you're looking to do the same sort of stuff i am, which is mostly office work and photo manipulation/design).

sorry, it's a pretty lengthy post. too much happened in less than a month, i guess, haha.

just finished 4th semester of uni, crazy that 2 years already passed by. Not really the ace student I initially set out to be. I'm more of an average grades fella right now. I want to change that, but I know it requires commitments and sacrifices I'm afraid of doing. Also, not really sure if I'm living up to the "potential" my family always says I have but I'd say its not a so bad performance right now.

Besides that and working on my own self-doubts, I have been thinking of developing an app for quite some time now, hopefully I can put it in motion around September, along that I also have plans on developing a NES emulator, at least to understand how emulation works.

Now in the present, I'm participating in a game jam with someone I met online, we're working to try and get the game done in the next 2 days. I also picked up Piano again after a long absence from it, decided to learn some video game songs before tackling more classical ones.

Beyond all these things, I hope that the next 2 years that remain of my degree are simply just better, not just for me but also for everyone that decided to either write in this post or read through it.

oh hi 4channelsofnoise! (waves in delco)

I also just finished my 4th semester of college! Working towards a cyber security bachelors degree. I started college as a music major but switched after my 1st semester because I realized I'd rather just make my own kind of music and I don't have the discipline to practice my instrument for 1-2 hours a day. And also that I want to make money lol. Gave me a slight identity crisis at the time, but I've been feeling a lot more optimistic about my career path this year; even though it's not my main passion in life, cybersecurity is pretty neat and I'm enjoying learning a lot. I also got lucky and got hired as a paid intern a few months ago which has been a great experience (mainly doing sysadmin stuff for a super small company). I work fully remote which is nice but it's been a little bit challenging to stay focused when I'm at home on my computer all day.

Professional pursuits aside, I've been working on my cooking and baking lately. I'm excited to attempt making bolo bao (chinese "pineapple buns") this weekend. In a week I'll be moving into an apartment with a kitchen (no more college dorms yay) and living with my partner for the first time so that's exciting too!

I met 3 BotBrs this summer! Met cabbagedrop and fluffy at a punk house show (and an awesome chiptune artist named tenspd who was performing there), and met damifortune during my family's recent Oregon trip. It's such a fun experience. BotBrs are great!

A little disappointed in myself for how fickle my musical output has been this summer; I might've been too ambitious about how many musical projects I was going to work on. Life's pretty good overall though so I can't complain too much. I'll have at least one solid entry to Summer Chip.

Thanks for reviving this old thread @glebo!

nothing

Well, let's see. Yesterday, I reposted magnet mike to itch.io. I wasn't expecting it to do well... like at all, but in less than 8 hours it got 3 downloads, so that's nice.

Also, I'm working on an educational math game for mobile RN. I'm planning for it to be my first for profit game. Charge a dollar for the game, and no ads to boot. Seems fair, true? Never worked with mobile before...

As for what's actually happening, well common app opened yesterday, so I've been grinding that. About a solid 80% of what I've got is pretty good (high GPA, 3 associates degrees by sophomore year, dean's list), but my activities section is COOKED. Since I have a Miles Morales complex, I only have like 3 extracurriculars, including my job. The rest, I've had to fill in with my "independently driven activities".

Speaking of my job, I need a new one. For the past 3 years, I've been teaching kids ages 7-14 how to code. In that time, my wage has gone from $10 an hour as a 14 year old to.... drumroll please... $11.50 an hour. yeah... not great.

As for what's REALLY going on right now, I'm trying to hardest to disassociate my worth from Flarf's perception. Due to lack of time, lack of energy, misspoken words, and parental restrictions along the way, the whole Flarf thing hasn't been doing too well, and I find that a hard pill to swallow. I'm pretty dang smart, pretty dang creative, very motivated, and I have a very unique list of accomplishments and skills. Because of that, somehow I got the idea that if whatever I do doesn't succeed, then that's an insult to my ability and discredits everything else I've done. So yeah, trying to get out of that mindset. My most recent SNES entry in summer chip touches on that a little bit.

I'm also bracing myself for when the school year starts. I have to make time for that, finding a new job, looking for scholarships, making time for my girlfriend, and for BOTB (jeez).

As for what's R E A L L Y going on right now, I'm trying to find out how to behave and carry myself in the many rooms I find myself in. I'm a Nigerian American mixed race dude, which can be a little difficult at times. I've been told by my white friends and black friends that I'm the whitest guy they know (probably because I listen mainly to baroque music and prefer the term composer rather than producer). I've seen all sides of the modern discourse on race in America, and frankly, I'm very disappointed (I once was villainized for saying it's possible to be racist to white people. It is). I'm just going to stay out of that conversation from now on.

What's really difficult for me these days is my Christianity. I have no doubt in my mind about the existence of God (made a metaphysical proof I'm happy with), but sometimes, I just kind of... don't want to follow him, or am too prideful to except his grace. I'm also trying to be a good example of what it's like to actually live out one's faith, but I'm kind of a jerk, so I end up being a hypocrite. Speaking of hypocrisy, I tend to struggle a lot around people or groups who claim to be Christian, but don't like... actually... believe Christianity, or like... are just plain heretical (not a derogatory term, just a description of something fundamentally incompatible with a religion). Part of me wants to join in because "everyone else is doing it. It must be okay", but I have to just... not.

Being a Christian in STEM and philosophy is a whole other can of worms. Some classmates and professors I've had in the past, especially in those 2 fields, tend to have a general disdain to religion, or at least apply special pleading when speaking of it. They make assumptions about my intelligence based off my religion, which is just plain insulting, because that's lowkey hate, and also I'm pretty dang smart. I keep my mouth shut about it a general 90% of the time, but sometimes I have to speak up, because if I don't, who will? When I do, of course I get shot down in a 12 v 1 or however big the class is (professor usually joins in too). So yeah, not the biggest fan of academia.

Not sure how being a Christian on BOTB is going to look, but I guess I'm about to find out.

big time vibing here, doing a ton of music and working in software development on the side (it's my day job)

we currently have a wall and some ceiling torn out and it's great fun to see all the mold :) so that's fun, we're all low-key sick and i love it

also learning godot on the side! got a lil project in the works maybe..

in good news, i got a new laptop from my job and can just keep my old one?? so uh yeah i'll take a 2021 macbook pro with an M1 chip, damn

da flarf: i'd hope at the very least that the "reddit enlightened atheist" type of talk is dying out. my personal relationship with christianity is that i have spent a lot of time around monks and nuns of various orders who have all been fantastic people, and a good congregation is such a good source of community, but that what i call "heretical christofascist sects" really predispose people to associate christianity specifically with hate and anti-science perspectives. it's a damn shame and i hope that against all odds the incredible corruption underlying the megachurch movement will one day be exposed fully enough that nobody can ignore it anymore.

Disclaimer: I didn't re-read, so don't mind the typos if any.

First thing first: I have asperger syndrome and hyperacusis (don't ask how I became a musician with my sound paralysis, I don't know myself). There are a lot of things I can't do, like to drive a car. And I barely have social codes. On the other hand, I have a really high IQ and I can calculate things extremely quickly.
I say that because these are the main reasons I can't work "normally", in a normal company, etc etc, and I tried hard. Each time I was fired cause I was "unmanageable". And in my country, this is pretty complicated with us - we almost all end in depression, good thing I'm solid... Well.

At some point, it was certain I couldn't finf a job the common way. Then I wonder why the heck am I looking for a job if I can do the job myself.

And I became a solo game developer! :D

I already released a bullet hell, made in Unity. Now I am making the sequel with Godot Engine. No links here to avoid any kind of self-ad. I learned the stuff by myself, with Internet tutorials, starting by code, then music composition, then pixel art, etc. Actually, I'm pretty well and the things are going pretty well. I also have contracts with a Japanese company to make chiptune packs.
Fun fact: there is a peacy treaty between Japan and France to avoid a certain tax. This is the Japanese company who told me that, not the administration of France.

Actually, my social life is pretty boring this time. Okay, I am single, but I don't care and finally, this is better like that. But I also cut off bridges with most of my friends when I realized there were a bunch of opportunists.
Let's start with the morality of the story: stop pleasing everyone, protect yourself and learn to say NO when you want to say NO.
Since I learned to say NO, masks have fallen and people show their true faces. Some friends are your friends as long as you can "lend" them money, house someone for "a night"... A night that lasts 6 monthes a nd I don't talk about the kaamos.
Let's say now I am pretty alone. For a summer, this is quite depressing. At least I take care of me and I do a great cleaning in my house. And I also empty the "unfinishable list of video games I bought compulsively".

I can't complain, tho. Lot of people would kill to be in my situation.

As a freelance self-entrepreneur, I can work anytime, anywhere. The unconvenient is, it's like washing the dishes. If you don't do it, then it's not done.

Also, to talk about BotB, I'm on internet since 2002. I miss the old internet, the forums, the blog with written articles (I don't like the video format). I would be dishonest if I am saying I use the GAFAM and I am aware boycotting these giants are a commercial suicide. But i can't stand them for many reasons.
And I decided to be back since I miss the old internet of my teenage years!

Tbh I kind of hate it

I mean I have no friends, never had any gf (I'm so lonely rn), I'm doing pretty pretty bad at school (I'm gonna be repeating 10th grade after already having repeated 9th grade), I'm not sure what I want out of life and I just feel like a lazy talentless bum overall

On the flip side, I managed to get hired to do some music by an indie game studio so that's cool

A lot of different things really (i love oversharing on the internet)

Just barely getting out of a depressive episode (going on SSRI's, yipee) which made me almost unable to make any music for past year, moving to a university dorm in october, and also generally moving my path of education towards studying music which i like more than just doing a random subject on electronics engineering, which was unbearable haha

Beside uni i am in the process of changing my ID so i will be able to function as Claire everywhere in real life too (and also that i don't get misgendered by every single occasion my deadname pops up. it's so abstract seeing people immediately switch to male pronouns as soon as they see my ID even thou no one has referred to me as male for quite a bit of time now).

Been playing video games (it's a good change since i have not been playing any since. a long time), returning to making music and playing instruments (picked up bass at the beggining of this year and trying my best at learning how to play it), and also learning german (terrible terrible language/j).

I also will be visiting my boyfriend in semptember which makes me really happy and is really just another thing to look forward to.

I plan to return to BOTB since it's a nice place (maybe make some music on here before uni, but also there are 20 other things that need to be done haha), i definitely want to be more active on here since the people on here are really cool.

ooo wee, a free soapbox! sit down children, i have a mix of a blog post and long ramble with a moral lesson at the end.

2024 was one of those years where life sucker punched me like maybe 4 or 5 consecutive times in about 8 or 9 simultaneous dimensions over the course of like three or four weeks. putting down multiple childhood pets, family member death, unexpected move back to my parent's house (frankly a traumatic place), computer breaking (i too have an online job much like hef, work anytime anywhere but if i don't work then i have no money, and i ran out of money between taking care of my cat in his final months and my computer situation becoming unsustainable), and finally a relationship (and decade-long friendship) that imploded in one of those ways that makes all of your mutual problems painfully, painfully apparent.

and around christmas time too, no less! aka an utterly COCK AND BALL TORTURE end to the year.

but, i'm nothing if not optimistic, and having your life razed to the ground is beans, but it's also an opportunity for self-reflection and reinvention. counting my blessings, first and foremost: i have a fucking WONDERFUL set of friends, a reliable and stable job with ample flexibility, i at least had a place to move back to, had great direction on what my issues are and how to start to address them, realized cringe as a concept is absolutely dumb, was given the opportunity to advance my career and, of course, rediscovered a great community to take part in (that's you, reader!!). 2025 absolutely has been the year of reinvention.

i had gotten permabanned from a community i was active in for a few years; admins weren't a fan of my objecting to their poor moderation and telling them to get bent (righteously, though i'm a little biased ;-] ), which left me a bit lonely but i was watching a fairly interesting video lecture

on John Conway's law (no, not that John Conway. is it weird there were like two or three important John Conways active around the same time?), and i realized that the logic kind of applies personally, too: a community and its values seeps into the people of that community and kinda molds them in the shape of the community's values, either by explicitly expressing them or at the very least by passively allowing it to occur.

and i realized that i REALLY didn't like how that community molded me. of course, the individuals in the community were great, and the moderators were even fine most of the time, but the community was centered around content consumption (which is okay! just not what i want to focus on), and had moderators make decisions that really rubbed against my own values (which is also okay! one doesn't have to agree with every decision someone else makes), but i realized as i reflected on it, how this community had made me serially compromise on values i find important over a long period of time. boooo!

when considering which community i WOULD want to be a part of, one came to mind immediately. i won't tell you which one it is, but i love botb and became obsessed with it when i first discovered it in late 2022, and i would ALWAYS think about it though i never visited. and, well, here i am now.

lurked a while, but honestly wasn't really ready to participate here fully. in the course of addressing my problems, i learned that i have massive executive dysfunction, and have gotten medicated (life changer btw, if you too have such issues you should try medication, they really know what they're doing). after like decades of struggling deeply with this, it's crazy to be able to just, idk, function.

things are really looking up, now. i completed a submission for the puzzle game jam, though accidentally fell asleep right near the deadline and slept through the latist period (kinda discouraged me and i stopped coming around, but i had other things go on at the same time so it wasn't purely sour grapes lmao), and i was hoping to get something in for spring tracks but never ended up finding the time. i'm okay with being bad at stuff and doing my worst, but i simply am not used to using my DAW and never got around to practicing due to the aforementioned issues and that's made me apprehensive to participate in battles, but i'm finally in a position now where i can genuinely practice regularly, really hoping to participate in stuff soon unironically.

stabilized my income enough to prepare to relocate to a place i've thought about moving to for years, hoping to do that early next year. i have plans to polish my puzzle entry and post it in the forum at some point, it's a pen and paper set of conjecture-proving puzzles. and yeah, life marches on i suppose.

moral of the story: if you don't want to write long rambles on the internet, don't post at 2:40ish in the morning!

still single


i guess i should go into more detail. anyway, i’m going into my senior year of high school and my course load is looking a lot lighter than the last year because i’ve gotten most of my credits out of the way already. band season is eating up all my time as anticipated, and i’ve gone seasonal at my job in order to keep my mental health in check. my big goal for this year is to get a date to prom. wish me luck.

Let’s see. Here’s what I’ve done in the past few months:

* Did some summer courses at a local community college
* Upgraded my laptop’s RAM from 8GB to 32GB
* Went on a date with my boyfriend (and planned another for the near future)
* Discovered an amazing Vietnamese restaurant in my area
* Bought a drum machine (Yamaha RX11)
* Finally got a full dark theme for my Windows 10 install (thank you @arceus)
* And of course made a ton of music, even if college got in the way

Also, my dad got engaged to his longtime girlfriend, so I’m potentially getting a bunch of new family

It's been, I think, roughly three quarters of a year since me and my other half finally got a place together. And 2 months since I got a job in my new hometown.
I've finally managed to settle down over here and spend proper time with both her, and myself. Previously I was having to travel 4 hours each way to commute at my old workplace.
Now I'm trying in earnest to dust off some old projects, and truly begin others. I'm finally attempting to finish an album I've been working on since as early as 2016.

Overall it's going well, although I'm still my own worst critic, and feel held back by myself at times. Also money is rather tight, and I'll admit that I'd feel a whole lot better with more to sit under (pigeons have never been the wealthiest of birds). Still, that's motivation to try and let myself acknowledge my skills as actual "skills", and attempt to use them to make whatever breadcrumbs I can.

Also I am forever attempting to be a little more social, as I now know myself well enough, to know that I'm a recluse by nature. Time to yourself is important, but too much can estrange you, or so I find.

Having my partner in my life like this is a huge blessing, that's one thing for sure. Having personal autonomy over my life is something I'm trying to teach myself that I have, and while the lesson is slow in coming, I think I am feeling more in control than I once was, 12 months ago.

So, a few notable things are happening in my life.

The most important is that I was finally told where an endocrinologist operates near my area, and she also specializes towards trans HRT.... so that means that I will eventually start transitioning :3
I'm really happy over this, as I will finally feel way more content with who I am and no longer suffer dysphoria in general.

Also, I'm slowly returning to music after a long hiatus. I plan to return participating here more frequently some day, but I'm also kinda scatterbrained with other stuff in general.

I also have a new desk chair because I was previously using a borderline broken office one. This new one is so comfy and nice :3

I'm working 13 hour shifts 6 days a week someone please send help i am dying

At Indy this weekend for DCI Finals 🐱

A ton of planned and unplanned Home improvement stuff amongst other things.

- The fridge died, needed a new one and after a while, I found out the water valve to the fridge was hidden under the sink. (Water damage from an old leak means the entire counters and floor need to be replaced and that is something that will happen sooner or later.)
- I found light bulbs that actually work in ceiling fans because for whatever reason, LED's just won't work (though 2 of the ceiling fan's lights just refuse to work and just flash with LED or incandescent, I am no sparky so I won't mess with stuff like that).
- Need a new Porch deck soon amongst other yard related stuff, maybe a covered porch this time.

It feels like I am one sneeze away from something breaking down as of late. I try not to think about that though. So for non "house stuff"...

- My brother and sister asked me to build a computer for them so that is something.
- Also I am looking at jumping from Windows into Linux as I can't run win 11 the normal way as I don't like new things "added" in Win11. Other option is to keep running win10. If I ultimately decide to go to Linux, whether I stick with - Mint, Debian, Fedora, openSUSE or anything is to be seen though. Most of the stuff I use would work on Linux but I'll dual boot with an extra drive I have. Ill need to do this soon though but I got some stuff to finish before I start poking that

Edit, there is a ton more stuff going on but that isn't something I like talking about.

just popped in to read all this and say thanks - much appreciated - and give something back. it's hard; albeit i'm into listening to humans, i'm not into being on the other side of the glass (except in therapy, lol).

- i'm doing the same radio jngles / promos / own show job i've been doing since i finished uni (social sciences, but i'm not fit for a career in that department). due to my workplace being a state-controlled radio, i'm also waiting for the inevitable load of shit to happen when the conservative populists win next election - it happened before and had made my professional life a misery for eight years.
- i will be ashamed to do a little tour late autumn with my longtime band, as we don't have any new material to play. my bandmates weren't motivated enough and i didn't press hard enough. those will probably not be the best we can do.
- i feel out of the demoscene, which constituted quite a part of my life and i got to know many great people while it lasted. still in contact with both my groups, but i don't do much there, to put it mildly.
- no gaming except an odd session with some retro classic on a cheap emulation-based handheld (aren't they excellent?) that i bought for my son, probably to also use it myself ;)
- my second marriage is still difficult despite being together for almost a decade. my wife was through an unimaginable lot of pain in her life and it didn't make her easy to grasp for a frivolous egoists like me.
- i wonder where i get time, energy and freedom needed to actually create anything. but i'm enjoying it the most of all things, even if i'm constantly my own worst critic.
- mentally it's the swamp i'm used to. fortunately the big black hole stays a memory, however questionable are my methods to keep it away.
- i play soccer every Friday, i'm the least qualified on the pitch, but i defend well enough to get some passes, even.
- overall, i'm glad i'm alive and that's such a coveted state it's everything i can ask for.

that was my stream of barely a consciousness. holding myself not to apologize. sending a big hug your way.

i tend to avoid saying much of anything about my personal life to people who don't need to hear it, but i guess some general info wouldn't hurt

i'm fresh out of high school and have been looking into pursuing higher education, specifically in the field of computer science; programming and game development have been big interests of mine for a while now
to that end, abyxus alerted me to the existence of harvard's free online cert classes, which could help me get a feel for whether this is a path i want to follow

i don't have a lot to say about my daily life, other than the fact that i've been very busy as of late, which has left me with little free time (also why i haven't been battling as much)
i'm still making music and doing other things whenever i have time though - i've always loved music, and i want to keep improving my skills as a composer, and maybe eventually learn to use fl studio

there is something very significant that happened a few days ago, but i'm not quite ready to talk about it yet, at least not here

i've sorely missed being able to spend as much time here as i used to, and i hope that eventually things will settle down enough for me to be more active