Ok, I forgot that every thread loads it's first and last post in it's constructor already so finishing this was relatively simple. I haven't tested it yet because I'm an admin, but if anyone who is not an admin could edit a thread title for me we can close this.
Also, the "false positives from orphaned promises" was directed at the selenium-webdriver developers for using their own promise manager rather than the accepted javascript way inside nodejs. Please don't send flaming shit bags to my employers! Thanks!!