"Retrospective"

Verse 1:

September 18th, 2020 was the day that it all changed.
Thought I’d have enough time to be ready for the pain,
But no amount of prep could be enough for what I faced.

Dad, you were strong like no other.
So seeing you decay from cancer was plain horror.
Every night I couldn’t sleep, I only shed tears,
‘Cause I knew there’d be a day where you wouldn’t be here.

Saw you die in front of me, the sight’s burned in my head,
A reminder that your guidance is now at an end. (I lost a friend.)
Your words and anecdotes I gained a lot from,
This 22-year-old weirdo on the spectrum.

And though I never was assertive or courageous as you,
you still acknowledged I was different and accepted me, too.
Now I face the world as an adult, I feel screwed,
This world doesn’t understand me like you do.

You had your fair share of flaws like me.
You still succumbed to occasional irrationality.
Was a kid when you’d yell at and strike me,
Resentment had risen, but every aggravation’s been forgiven.

I know you didn’t have a lot of friends, and it hurts.
Your time from work was spent alone smoking under the stars.
Rest in piece, Dad, hope in Heaven you can finally mingle.
Now let me tell you all about my social life struggle.

Chorus:

No matter how much I try to move forward, it’s hopeless it seems...
Feels like I’ll always be here with these demons like a horrible dream...

Verse 2:

By ninth grade I couldn’t take it anymore,
School brought mental baggage that was hard to ignore.
In middle school I botched so many interactions,
And the other kids would see my stims and flubs and feed off my humiliation.

I hated myself, I was a doormat.
A person you could take advantage of and point and laugh at.
Tried my best to camouflage, but it was for naught.
All it takes is one misinterpretation to affect your reputation.

Switched to online school for four years,
I was all alone in my room, my solitude grew severe.
Sacrificed all potential social skill development
To shield my ego from anxiety-inducing torment.

I graduated back in 2017,
But still, I just feel like a really dumb teen.
Lacking in executive function,
Reading other people is tough, I have mental obstruction.

Depression’s hand-in-hand with the touch of the ’tism.
If only lifting weights could burn every negative symptom.
‘Stead I’m still feeling gray by the end of the day.
I’m stressed that my anxieties will never go the fuck away.

Went into college, I was stunted.
Couldn’t make a single fuckin’ friend in the years attended.
The effects of public school still linger around.
Now I’m a loner in my twenties, few friends to be found.

Chorus:

No matter how much I try to move forward, it’s hopeless it seems…
(Weighed down by the ugly memories back then.)
Feels like I’ll always be here with these demons like a horrible dream...
(All the stress tempts me to start smoking again.)

Verse 3:

I’m eternally grateful for my oldest group of friends,
Still keeping touch, meeting up on the weekends.
But they’re busier now, it’s getting harder to cope.
I got no other crew besides them on the globe.

Got a few net friends, who I interact with,
Even fewer that I’m bold enough to be more active.
Sharing art, playing games, talking dreams, all fun!
But I realize I need somethin’ more than one-on-one.

I saw they’re in a bigger group of close-knit friends,
And the feelings that I struggled with haunt me again.
I’d join the big calls they’re in, or mingle in their public servers,
But the extra variables overwhelm me quicker.

My brain permits methods that reduce the most ice,
Since I still wanna make new friends, it’d be nice.
Gotta take it slow or else my stomach’s too tight.
‘Cause of this, they play without me most nights.

But it would be wrong of me to take that as a personal attack.
The envy just reminds me of what my life lacks.
No one else but me to blame for being this way,
So don’t worry, it’s not y’all’s fault, okay?

I worry I’m a bother sometimes, I’ll admit.
But I need to DM before the loneliness hits.
Wanna change, ‘cause I’m scared I’ll be like this forever.
Please, hear me out, to know why I still suffer.

Chorus:

No matter how much I try to move forward, it’s hopeless it seems…
(I wish that life could be as simple as it was back then.)
Feels like I’ll always be here with these demons like a horrible dream…
(But I know that’d mean I go through all that pain again.)

Verse 4:

I remember when you made the first move.
Saw you sent a friend request right out of the blue.
We clicked so well, our interests were so familiar!
Never met a human so similar.

After a while, I got really nervous suddenly,
But I knew what was causing my anxiety.
It took me everything to say I had feelings for you.
But I don’t know if the feelings were ever mutual, though.

Life threw a curveball and brought you down.
Tried to reach out when you weren’t around.
Conversations got shorter every couple days.
Now it feels like the bridge withered away.

I hope things got better, bro.
I don’t hold anything against you, though.
I’ll still listen in to what you create.
And I’m glad I had the opportunity to get my feelings straight.

Chorus:

No matter how much I try to move forward, it’s hopeless it seems…
(Weighed down by the ugly memories back then.)
Feels like I’ll always be here with these demons like a horrible dream...
(All the stress tempts me to start smoking again.)
No matter how much I try to move forward, it’s hopeless it seems…
(I wish that life could be as simple as it was back then.)
Feels like I’ll always be here with these demons like a horrible dream…
(But I know that’d mean I go through all that pain again.)

Outro:

I can’t believe I’ve made it this far in my life.
Despite all my flaws, all my mistakes, my fears, my lost opportunities.
It’s kind of amazing, and I’m still grateful for all the good that I’ve received and still receive.
But lately, it feels like an imbalance, and it’s become harder to deal with.

All of this has been a part of me for a really long time, some of it before I was even aware.
I just see and do things a certain way, and it makes the world harder to navigate.
Despite how much I would like to change, my life experiences have helped shape me as well.
Feels like a fundamental part of me that can’t be changed, no matter how hard I try.

I’ve always been quiet and reserved, but I still can’t bear the feelings of being isolated from others.
It feels like everyone around me is moving on in life, finding new people, new jobs, new places.
Or some of them have groups of their own that they’re already accustomed to jumping in and doing things with.
While I’m still here, with all this extra time with me and my thoughts.
I was actually concerned I’d sound clingy or greedy to want more.

I used to think that I wasn’t living life, and that I merely existed.
I’ve pondered so many kinds of dark thoughts, but they wouldn’t all fit in this song.
This is only a small part of my life’s story.
I still have a lot of ambitions that help me look forward to the future.
But it’s not a future I want to try and accomplish all on my own.
I want to do great things in life, and share more of those things with more people.

I still miss you, Dad.
I miss you every single day.
My whole world just feels smaller and emptier without you.
And it sucks you won't be here to see what I'll be able to do.